Captain Tooey White of the Macon Police Department was conducting a training meeting with the members of MPD who were going undercover to participate in the second phase of Operation Massage Parlor.
“Gentlemen, we’re going to be discussing the techniques you are going to be using when you go into a massage parlor and try to get sexual favors,” Tooey began.
A hand was raised in the back. “Captain, am I supposed to tell my wife I’m doing this?”
“Bubber, that is not a concern of the MPD although we wish you well in your determination.
“As I was saying, Sergeant Jones is passing out a sting operation checklist. The first thing you do when you enter, say, the Slippery Hands Massage Parlor is to ask if there is a ’special’ today. You’ll wink at the girl at the front desk and hand her a ten dollar bill.
“Now don’t wear your police uniform. Wear something casual. When she … Well, who do we have here?
(Ten men walk into the room.)
“Hello, cap’n. We’re from the Jones County Sheriff’s Department. We were wondering if we could get a little training in this sting operation we hear you’ve got going on.”
“Well, well, didn’t want to be a part of the City of Macon but want to be a part of our little police ops, huh? Well, OK, have a seat.
“As I was saying, the girl at the front desk will more than likely walk to the back to talk to whoever is in charge and then come back to get you. She’ll come back and take you to a ‘massage room’ and introduce you to your ‘masseuse’ who will … what’s this?”
(Another group enters the room.)
“We’re from the Monroe County Sheriff’s Department. Can we get some trainin’ on this massage parlor sting thang?”
“Good heavens, I never saw as much interest in police work in my life. All right, find a place.
“Where was I? Oh, the maitre d’ will introduce you to your ‘masseuse’ who will ask you to strip down to your underwear. Now, here’s where we have to start being careful, gentlemen. This is a sting operation for the criminal. We don’t want you to wind up getting a little sting, too.”
A hand goes up in the back in the back. “What is it, Bubber?”
“Captain, I’m sort of having a problem with this. How are we going to catch them doing the “m” thing unless they actually do the “m” thing?”
“Well, Bubber, it works like this … Hey, not again! Who the hell are you?”
(More people enter the crowded room.)
“Captain, Sheriff Modena sent us over to see if we could monitor Operation Massage Parlor in the spirit of inter-governmental cooperation.”
“Oh, I’ll bet that’s right. At this rate we’ll have to turn each visit to a parlor into a threesome. Well, you’ll have to stand against the wall.
“Now back to your question, Bubber. Georgia Code Section 16-6-16 defines the ‘m’ thing for hire as erotically stimulating the you-know-whats of another by manual or bodily contact or by instrumental manipulation for money. Now I know you guys aren’t going to put up with that ‘instrumental manipulation’ stuff, so we’re back to hands on, so to speak. That’s more than talking about it, Bubber.
(Low murmur of voices throughout room.)
“What’s all the racket?”
“Sorry, captain.” One of the Monroe County deputy sheriffs spoke up. “We’re just calling all out buddies on sheriffs departments to tell them they better get their butts down here real quick!”
18 responses so far ↓
1 gladiator // Jul 23, 2008 at 8:50 am
Sorry, Anchor. My dear departed mum made me promise never to discuss money or sex in public. In fact, I was not allowed to utter the “s” word in public. I sang it once in an Alvin and the Chipmonks song and got a spankin. Y’all are on your own on this one, however hilarious it may be…
2 Cotton Avenue Solon // Jul 23, 2008 at 11:12 am
Anchor, we’ve got a problem. Augustus tells me that Payne City was not represented at this training session because the ONLY sworn officer of that municipality’s police force is missing in action.
That’s right, people; the Chief of the Detectives (who is also the Mayor) of the Payne City Police Department was last seen walking into the Soft Hands Massage Parlor over 5 months ago. He has not been seen or heard from since that time. Where can he be? Why is this not a big local news story? Where is Frank Malloy when we need him?
Both the M.P.D. and the Bibb County Sheriff’s Office deny that there was any joint investigative operation with Payne City. As a matter of fact, Sheriff Modena was quoted as saying, “what is Payne City?”
Where is Bruno Carpozzo “Muscles” Antonelli?
3 gladiator // Jul 23, 2008 at 12:09 pm
I just called Tony “T” Soprano. He is sending Christopher to find the Mayor/Congressman/Sherriff/CFO of Payne City. Tony said he knew where he was, because people over there “earn.”
4 augustus // Jul 23, 2008 at 3:29 pm
This explains Cotton’s absence in recent days.
5 Ima Thinkin // Jul 23, 2008 at 4:29 pm
What? You mean the ChieflyMayor of Payne City is missing “Without a Trace” again? Has anyone contacted his “Big Brother” who lives in “Swing Town”? It’s only a short “60 Minutes” from downtown Payne City, and the last time he was “Lost” he was found “Dancing With The Stars” at some honky tonk on the edge of their county. At that time, it took almost “Two and a Half Men” to wrestle him out of the arms of some “Desperate Housewives” who had “Charmed” the pants right off of him! How embarrassing it was to the city’s residents and to his poor family, whose only “Saving Grace” in the entire situation was that they each had different last names!!! I do remember that it caused a huge “Family Feud”, though.
Anyway, I sorely digress with community gossip, which, I know, is not the focus of this blog, so I do humbly apologize!
Now, my contribution: Do you think Capt. Tooey White would be interested in knowing that the Today’s Special Value on QVC is “Ginger Souffle Whipped Body Cream” by Origins? It’s a 7oz size for $27.50. I don’t know how many ounces he would need, but he’s welcomed to use my membership number to place an order.
6 gladiator // Jul 23, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Ima!!!! I am shocked, blushing and will never be able to face you again!!! How brazen!
………..Seriously your TV guide was hilarious.
7 wmccnews // Jul 23, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Ima, you’re good.
8 CrazyDoc // Jul 23, 2008 at 5:46 pm
Mayor of Payne City missing after walking into a massage parlor?
Obviously he was rubbed out.
9 Cotton Avenue Solon // Jul 23, 2008 at 5:56 pm
I just knew that you would miss me terribly, Augustus. As a matter of fact, I mentioned it to my wife several times while on vacation that I was very nervous about what Augustus, Gladiator, Ima Thinkin, Citronella, et al were blogging about without my knowledge.
By the way, how are you progressing with the incorporation petitions for Smarr and Culloden? My sources at the State Capitol in Atlanta tell me that Bolingbroke has been rejected. What a pity.
10 Cotton Avenue Solon // Jul 23, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Ima, you’re always right on top of things! Anchor is gonna have to come up with a nickname for you……..just like he did with Citronella.
11 citro // Jul 23, 2008 at 6:47 pm
That was a good one, Crazy Doc.
Can’t believe nobody commented on Cotton’s reference to a ‘joint investigation’….
Gladiator, I told you to watch that video as an antidote to your momma’s repressing your _exual development.
Notice out of respect I left off the ’s’.
12 augustus // Jul 23, 2008 at 7:13 pm
I live in the woods, King Cotton, so what they incorporate or reject phases me not.
So you are calling it a “vacation,” huh? ….. OK.
13 GRAYRIDER // Jul 23, 2008 at 7:37 pm
I don’t understand all the fuss over massage palors. Whenever I been there, they never rubbed me the wrong way. Guess some folk will complain no matter how you rub them.
14 gladiator // Jul 23, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Cotton was probably off at a workshop called “I Can Keep Up With and Better Anchor and Ima in Ten Easy Steps”…………..Here is what I wonder: Was the 5 large you paid worth it and can you keep up with Anchor and Ima’s Drama King and Queen prowress. Citro, I have been in therapy for 30 years and no reading of any lil thing will get me over my mama slappin’ me for singin the ChipMUNK song with “sexy women” phrase in it. I am doomed to the life of the forever repressed, thank you.
15 gladiator // Jul 23, 2008 at 8:40 pm
I will refuse to add to CrazDoc’s post and will not remember to tell you that in Tony Soprano vernacular that would be the Mayor who had been whacked. I have had to watch many Sopranos to get my lingo in order.
16 Ima Thinkin // Jul 23, 2008 at 9:51 pm
There are excellent teachers inhabiting this piece of cyberspace. With a little bit of interest, a novice can learn quickly. Thanks for your willingness.
(Alvin, listen…..can you hear Arch Beckleheimer laughing? shhhhhh!)
17 David // Jul 23, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Ya’ll ain’t right! LMAO!
18 gladiator // Jul 23, 2008 at 11:07 pm
Wait, Ima, the flood of memories at the thought of a Beckleheimer lecture is almost too much!!!
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